7.21.2008

Southern Charm

So everyone should know by now that I am from the south. I say this with reservations though, because I wasn't born here. I have lived here for 10 years and consider that long enough. I love most all things southern, such as the food, accents, clothing, style, country clubs, etc. There is one thing, however, that I hate about the south. Rednecks.

There is a huge difference in being southern and being a redneck. I will do a comparison so it is easier to understand:
Southern:
Lilly Pulitzer
Jack Rodgers
Longchamp
Herve Chapelier
Cucumber sandwiches and tea
Cosmo's
BMW
Tennis at the club
Debutante
Redneck:
Wrangler
John Deere
Pig-Picking
Flannel
Jorts (jean shorts for those of you oblivious)
Fanny-pack
Chevy
Natural Light/Busch
County fair greased-pig-wrestling contest winner

Now, I hope this clears some things up. I realize the south would be completely different, and may not survive if it weren't for the rednecks...I mean who would do all of the farming for the endless amounts of organic produce I buy? And change the oil in my car? (Shallow and mean - I know...I know) But their cat calls and general douchebagary lead me to despise this particular...subgroup(for lack of a better word).

I came across this website (don't worry you don't have to click - I'm about to outline the important parts with pictures below). This is the ultimate redneck website, aside from the obvi John Deere, Wrangler and Tractor Supply. It epitomizes laziness and all things redneck.

Let me introduce...

The Motorized Cooler ScooterIs that Nicholas Cage?

Why walk when you can ride?! Our new rideable cooler’s 300 Watt electric motor propels you and up to 24 of your favorite 12 oz. beverages (and ice!) around the lot, beach, or neighborhood at up to 13 MPH. I'm pretty sure I walk faster than that.With a range of up to 15 miles per charge, you can take a load off while distributing beverages to friends and neighbors. You don't even need to get up thanks to the easy access beverage lid that lets you reach into the cooler while sitting on the top. What did I say about laziness? Rider capacity of 250 lbs (but we’ve field tested over 300). Well then why not say 300 lbs? Because I'm sure you would get a lot more customers.

Magnetic and Suction Coozies!

Now you can keep your favorite beverage nearby and free up an extra hand! The magnets in the coozie will easily hold your full can or bottle of your favorite beverage firmly against any metal surface - like the side of a car! I.E. 1990 van. Velcro straps allow you to tighten the coozie around the bottle or can. Use a paint pen to add your name to the coozie to make sure no one steals your beer! God forbid.And the Suction Coozie is designed to float, just in case you fumble your beverage while boating! Read: Driving around on a camouflage john boat drunk.
Drinking Buddy Polo Shirt

Keep your favorite beverage close to your heart! Keep your drink cold and free up a hand while tailgating, fishing, riding a tractor these are the guys you see pulled over by cops on their riding lawn mowers on the outrageous-cop-moment shows, boating and more! Contact us about custom logos! We can print your corporate logo on the pocket. Because every company wants to show off their alcoholics.

I hope I have provided you with ample entertainment to share with friends as we all laugh in unison at the arm-pit of Americans with whom I interact with on a daily basis.

4 comments:

kk said...

this is both hilarious and scary at the same time!

Matt said...

That dude look like Nicolas Cage to me...

you'd think he would dress better.

blythe said...

oh, this is awesome. i mean awful. i mean, i actually kind of want the polo that would hold a beer. that way i have hands free to drive the scooter cooler while lighting up a marlboro red. i joke. i don't smoke.

HG said...

oh girl, i just stumbled upon your blog through 20SB and from your posts/interests i think we'd be great friends!