1.07.2009

Yes it is 1:30 AM

I'm laying in my bed writing this post because I can't sleep. I
haven't been able to sleep since things went bad with Dru. Not only is
my sleep suffering, but I haven't been eating as well. The only times
I can actually fall asleep is when I've been drinking. I know that
sounds bad but don't worry y'all...no intervention needed yet.

Here I am on the night before the start of my last semester as a
college student and I can't do anything but think about him. It is
honestly like this every night. I watch tv until I feel tired, shut it
off, turn on my fan for noise, say my prayers and then it sets in.
Whatever I try to think of that specifically has nothing to do with
Dru always ends up leading back to him somehow. I try not thinking of
anything (which NEVER works-who suggests that?) and I even try
counting sheep. Last time I did that it led me to think of farm
animals then to think of the weekend his farm caught fire which was
also the weekend he was supposed to come visit. It is an endless
vicious cycle that I can not escape.

It is driving me crazy. The lack of sleep is affecting my skin, my
attitude and basically my overall wellbeing. I could go to the store
and get some over the counter sleep aids, but I'm not a big fan of
medicine and I know that is just a short term solution to a much
deeper problem. No matter how much I sleep, the hurt will still be
there when I wake up.

I realize this is the "gettig over it" part of all break ups but I
feel like it shouldn't take this long. With everyday that goes by and
I continue to be depressed, I hate him more and more for it. For not
ever responding or giving me closure. I don't want to hate him but I
do. I wanted to believe he was a good person but now his actions (or
lack thereof) make me doubt my judgement.

Well it feels better to talk about it. Hopefully it will clear my mind
and lead to a peaceful sleep (highly unlikely). If anyone has sleep
suggestions I would love to hear them!

Sleep tight!

1 comment:

Kara said...

i think you should just buck up and call him. it's better to do it now then wonder what happened... just don't let yourself have any regrets. and don't worry what he thinks, because he isn't worth it.