Change is in the air

School, work and the requisite first week or so of partying each semester has kept me away from the wonderful blog world once again. But I'm here now and ready to fill you in on my life. I'm doing better with the Dru situation. I'm not nearly as depressed and am able to sleep better at night these days. I still miss him and wonder everyday why he stopped contacting me. But I am taking some steps to make some major changes in my life. I wouldn't exactly say that they are resolutions, but it just happened to come at the same time.

One of the biggest things I need to overcome is the want for a man in my life. Ever since I was 15 I have had a boyfriend, or some other type of guy friend who I would use to make me feel needed and loved. Gary (the ex I dated for 5 years) occasionally calls me at 2 AM after a night at the bar, and I hate to admit it, but sometimes I would go over there to spend the night. I entertained the thought that he still loved me and this is what kept me coming back. I have vowed not to do that anymore. I will not be the girl he uses for late night and who uses him for a false sense of hope. Gary is out of my life for good now, and I refuse to let him in or hope to let him in as anything more than a friend.

With the exception of Gary, all of my other relationships began with the drunk hook-up that turned into...'oh I might actually like this person'. Well, not anymore. I want to be in a relationship that starts with a date, not a late night. I think this will go a long way in helping me find the right person.

My biggest and probably most important underlying problem is self-confidence. Although I was voted most attractive and best dressed junior and senior year in high school, I still feel like I could always look better. Not only does my self-confidence suffer in appearance, but also in the personality department. I can define all of my friends with one word that describes their passion. I have mentioned this before, but I can't do that for myself. Not having a true passion and vision for my future really affects my lack of self-confidence. I would love to work on this aspect of myself by trying new things and finding something that I am good at and can call my passion.

My final fault that I will be working on is my lack of motivation or determination. This affects my life in many different ways (i.e. exercise, nutrition, activities with friends, work). I have become so averse to change that it affects this determination. My fear of the unknown grows everyday and I realize this is something I need to get under control before it seriously affects me.

I'm taking a personal wellness class (I have mentioned before) and with the tools I learn there and the right mindset, I hopefully will be able to work on all of these faults. Being able to write them down and organize my thoughts is really helpful and will also help me to stick to my commitment. I believe that you can't change until you want to change, and I definitely do. I am hopeful and optimistic about the ways my life will improve as I conquer these hurdles.

PS Tonight is the season premiere of American Idol! Ahhh! And Scrubs is on! Wooo!