Quarter-Life Crisis

I'm 21 and I have no idea who I am. This blog may sound whiny...but I have to write it, for my sanity.

When I dated Gary (for 5 years) I got used to my life, the every-day events, and basically thought I knew who I was. Or maybe I did know who I was then, but now I have changed? I'm not really sure. My whole life was centered around Gary. I think maybe I was no one because I let myself be absorbed by him (through no fault of his own). But now I'm at a point where I want, need, to be me. My only problem is, I don't know who I am or want to be.

I take that back. There are a ton of things I want to be, but don't see happening in reality. I want to be a person who doesn't judge others, who has time to volunteer, who can truly be happy for others even if it inconveniences me. I want to be a better person, and have been trying, admittedly half-assed, since Gary and I broke up.

Gah, this is so hard to put into words and make sense of it all.

Currently, I see myself as average. Maybe even a little less than average. I have no passions. Sure there are material things I love (fashion), but I have no true passion. No great love. In my spare time I read and watch TV, hang out with friends or whatever. For instance, I can associate one word to most of my friends that describes them (and their passion). For my friend Mimi - God. Sister - health. Gary - music. I could go on all day, but the point is, when I think of one thing that describes me I can't come up with a single thing.

I am stuck in my last year of college studying something I am neither interested or uninterested in, but don't have the resources to go back and re-do college. I am at a boring job, that at first taught me a lot, but now has formed a plateau and become repetitive.

I am frustrated with the fact that I thought I needed to get away from Gary to grow as a person, on my own. But it isn't happening. When am I going to have the drive and determination to become someone? To find a passion?

What brings this all on, you may ask? Well...my mom spoke to her friend last night who knows Dru and his family very well. As it turns out, Dru's family is amazing. They have endless amounts of money, all which they are willing to give away. They donate to many charities, take friends on lavish trips, and here is the clincher, allowed Natalee Holloway's family to use their personal jet numerous times to go to Aruba to search for her. According to my mom's friend, they are the most generous people. She said they are super nice and not one of the snobby-rich families. Dru's mom battled breast cancer and survived, does volunteer work, and is basically a great person.

So basically, I'm going down to visit Dru this weekend. I don't think I will be meeting his parents, but I will be with him and his brother all weekend. Here I am, currently feeling like I have nothing to offer, going to spend time with the Mother Teresa's of the south. I'm nervous I won't be able to live up to them, to impress them, or to be even close to being on par with them. I may be thinking too much about this, over analyzing it, but it is important to me so I can't stop obsessing.

I am shy around new people, and sometimes come off bitchy, so of course I'm worried about that. I really just want to be able to be myself around Dru, but I don't know who I am. I have become accustomed to being different people in different situations, so I have no idea who my true self is. I am always worried that my actions/reactions will not please others or I will not be viewed positively through others' eyes.

I welcome any advice with open arms, but I have to tell you truthfully...I don't know what will help? This seems like a problem for a licensed therapist, right? Hah.

So here is the end of my rant, and I actually feel good. I kind of feel like I have organized it into the most understandable, logic way possible. I'm sorry if this post isn't as upbeat as most of my others, but a cold rain came into town today and I'm thinking that has something to do with it.