Help Needed!

I'm sure all of you already read Dana's blog Just Talk, but if not...go read it now!

Anyways, a good friend of hers is in some trouble. He is in dire need of a kidney and is hoping anyone, even a complete stranger, will be willing to help! If you or someone you know would be willing to help out a great person (and the cutest couple!) please go to this website I Need A Kidney Now and get in touch with Garrett. If you aren't ready to give a kidney up at least send some prayers and good thoughts his way!

I Just Don't Get It

As you all know, Dru didn't come this weekend. And I expected him to call this evening...but he didn't so I texted him and said, "How was your weekend?" to which he responded, "Unbelievable you have to hear this I'll call in a min." That was two hours ago. He hasn't called and I don't think he will tonight. It is highly likely that he is at a friend's house and doesn't want to be the guy to step away to talk to a girl. Or maybe he is at his parents house for Sunday night dinner. But the point is he said he would call 'in a min' and when I haven't talked to him in almost a week that really bothers me. I just don't know what to do. Now I actually have a reason to be mad, and I am. But I don't know how to tell him that. I feel like we are still on a shaky ground what without us having talked about what we are. I know it sounds silly and I keep coming back to it, but I don't know what to expect and that makes it hard because I get my hopes up. Without a defined relationship (of any sort) I don't know how he will receive me calling him out on what seems like such a petty matter. 

How should I approach this? Next time I talk to him do I tell him it bothers me that we don't talk much anymore? Ugh, this is so frustrating. I'm sorry I keep bogging everyone down with my love life, or lack there of, but it is the only thing on my mind, and until I get some kind of answers it will most likely still be the only thing I can think about. I appreciate the advice, as always.

Update: Ok so I guess I jinxed it by writing that post. He called. We caught up and all of that good stuff, but I didn't mention anything about me being mad or anything. I'm such a wimp. So I'm happy for now and promise to have a post that isn't related to Dru at all tomorrow!

Dru Isn't Coming

Yep. That's right. Let down by a boy...yet again. I feel like that is the story of my life. So here is the story:

When Dru called Monday, I was at the mall and only got to talk to him for a short while before I needed to hang up. Tuesday he didn't call, and last night as I was leaving from babysitting my adorable cousins, he still hadn't called. So I texted, "Are you still coming this weekend?" About 20 minutes later he calls and informs me that, despite the fact he has had his plane ticket booked for over 2 weeks now, he isn't going to be able to come.

Apparently, this weekend is opening weekend of rifle season in Alabama. It is family tradition that they all go down to one of their "farms" (aka giant patch of land with a beautiful house - no animals except the ones you can shoot) and hunt. Siblings come home from college, grandparents come...the whole 9 yards. And he didn't realize this because opening weekend is "always the weekend of the Alabama/Auburn game" (which is next weekend).

Well, Dru, you should have checked.

As you are all well aware of, I have been getting ready for his visit for weeks now. I have decorated, I bought 4 tickets to the UNC/NCSU game ($260!), my mom was going to make brunch, etc. I had the weekend planned all out. I was going to clean, do laundry, and make a breakfast casserole tomorrow before he got here!

So I'm sure you can imagine how disappointed I am. Of course I can't be "mad" at him because I value family traditions just as much as the next person, but I am upset. I am upset that he didn't check beforehand to make sure that nothing was going on. What that says to me is that this trip wasn't important enough for him to ask around and make sure everything was going to work out. I'm upset because he waited until 2 days before he was supposed to get here to tell me. If I hadn't texted him last night, would I still not know he was coming? When would he have called? Friday afternoon?

One thing that bothers me the most is: I'm not sure he understands how upset I am over this. I actually cried last night...I don't cry...especially not in front of people. I cried to my mom, dad, sister, best friend and even cried myself to sleep. My eyes hurt today. I want him to understand that I was looking forward to spending time with him and that I was really let down when he said he couldn't come. But I don't want to make him feel like he is choosing between his family and me, because that is not the case. I want him to have traditions and family values, that is one thing I love most about him, but I want him to be able to stick to his commitments to me as well, and that means planning ahead.

Another factor is that we haven't exactly established "what we are." For a while, I thought this was best. But it is really starting to become more of a burden than not. I was in a long-distance relationship with Gary (the ex) for over 6 months when he moved to California. That was easier because I knew where I stood with him. I knew that he wanted to be with me and that I would hear from him. There was no gray area. With Dru, since we haven't established rules, there are no justified expectations. I don't know if I can get mad at him for not calling sooner or I don't know if I can tell him I was really looking forward to seeing him without scaring him off. There are so many uncertainties with us it really makes a long-distance relationship harder.

Should I bring this up? I have always felt like that is the boy's place, but I don't know if I can handle it anymore. He also said he doesn't think he will be able to make it back for another 3 weeks! That will have been 6 weeks in between visiting each other. It is hard, but I'm willing to do it because I genuinely like this guy...I just need to know where I stand with him.

Any and all advice will, as always, be greatly appreciated!

Weekly Update

My weekend was, interesting. For starters, roommate and I went out Thursday night. We don't usually do this because we are old hags who prefer to stay in and watch TV and go to bed promptly at 11PM. But for some reason we got this crazy notion to go out. We drank too much and I missed my two classes on Friday.

Friday night we went to UNC-Chapel Hill to hang out with Al (my best guy friend) and some of his friends from his study abroad in Spain last semester. I was still recovering from the night before so I took it easy. I don't really enjoy being sober at a bar where everyone else is drunk, but Friday night wasn't so bad. Roommate and I got hit on 4 times and each time was equally as disturbing.

Saturday we had a football game. The festivities began at 10AM. Bad idea. We didn't stop drinking until 2AM. I was in rare form that night. Gary, the ex, tried to kiss me. In all of my vulnerability, I almost caved in. But I didn't, and I'm so glad. Things are going great with Dru and I could have ruined it all for nothing. Gary and I will never work out again, so I don't know why we occasionally fool ourselves.

Speaking of Dru...HE COMES TO VISIT IN 3 DAYS! I couldn't be more excited. My apartment is coming together (see pictures tomorrow!) and I am running again and I feel like a giddy school girl. I'm also nervous. I really hope he has a good time. The plan is to maybe go out for a few drinks after he gets in Friday night (at 9:30!). The next morning we have to be up super early to make it to my sister's boyfriend's house by 8:30AM in Chapel Hill (30 minute drive). My school is playing her school in football and her boyfriend is hosting a "Kegs and Eggs" party. I'm going to make a breakfast casserole to take over. Yum! Maybe I can remember to post the recipe here...

My parents want to have a brunch at their house Sunday morning. And I don't know if I am ready to have Dru to my parents' house. I have been to his parents' house but it was really informal...I mean we just went over to show our skydiving videos then left. Ahh! But I know it will hurt my mom's feelings if I don't bring him over...so whatever. Hopefully my sister and her bf will be in attendance as well so it won't be as awkward.

Oh, my running! Yeah I started again (last night haha) because I will be participating in the annual 'Turkey Trot' in my cousin's neighborhood on Thanksgiving morning. I'm really excited that I have a goal to work towards. It is only a 5K, but I'm happy to start small and work my way up. The mimosa station is at her house too, so I'm SUPER excited about that part!

One last thing, then I'll end another one of my never ending posts. I'm going to my first work-related function on Thursday. It is a Toronto Stock Exchange luncheon, workshop, then networking cocktail. I'm so nervous I can already feel my hands shaking come Thursday morning. Here are some reasons why:

1. This event is specified on the website to be for CEOs and CFOs, financiers of private and public companies and advisors to private and public companies. I AM AN INTERN.
2. I don't have a business card...did I mention this is a networking event.
3. I understand the TSX less than I understand the US stock exchanges (to which my knowledge is far from impressive).
4. I'm not really even sure how to explain what my company does. I only help with the basic stuff.
5. I've never been to a networking event before.

Maybe I should quit my whining and take it all in. I know this will be a great learning experience for me and probably great for my career as well. I should thank my boss for inviting me to attend, and really learn from everything I hear and everyone I meet. But any suggestions in getting over the initial nervousness would really help!

Have a great week everyone!

He's Just Not That Into You

There is a book called He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, I haven’t read it, but I need to. It seems like every guy I start to get involved with disappears. I’m having some trouble with Dru. When I left a week ago from the Atlanta airport I thought for sure things with Dru were going to take off. He was so sincere in his goodbye and we had such a great weekend. However, since then we have barely talked. We talked on the phone a lot on Thursday, which was nice, but since then we only talked on Sunday when he called but I lost signal and told him I would call him back. 5 minutes after, I called back there was no answer. After another hour passed without a call from him I texted, “I called you back.” I got no response and haven’t heard from him since.

Am I missing something? Things seemed great on Thursday and fine during the few minutes on the phone yesterday. I think I need to read the book, because apparently he just isn’t that into me. I am so confused. I know he is busy with his job, and doing whatever else, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t call more often?

‘You could call him’ is a response I would expect after this story. My response to that is lame, but if he wanted to talk to me, he would call. Again another response, ‘Maybe he thinks you should call.’ He is very old fashioned, and I am too. I think it is the boy’s responsibility to call and pay for dinner and all of that good stuff. And we have kind of established through habit that I don’t call him.

I am in that horrible spot where I don’t know what I should be expecting because I don’t know “what we are.” And having that talk is something I would really rather him bring up. But here I am getting mad that he doesn’t call enough. What is the deal? Am I overreacting or being childish? Is he just not that into me?

Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated!

UPDATE: Dru called this morning a few minutes after I got into work. I was contemplating answering it because I generally don't take personal calls at work (...but I blog, facebook, check email etc). I figured I should answer it because I have been complaining about him not calling. Turns out he wants me to come down next Thursday and go to a Halloween costume party for his company. Friday is a party at his house, and Saturday is a big game at Ole Miss. Here is why I didn't immediately say yes (although I desperately wanted to):

1. I've never been to a company party...let alone a company costume party! I originally planned on being Amy Winehouse, but I'm guessing that won't be appropriate! :)
2. Roomie and I have been planning (for months) to go to the New Kids on the Block concert that same night.
3. Roomie and I have also been planning to go to Chapel Hill the next day for Halloween for quite some time.

My proposed solution: I have talked to my sister and offered my NKOTB ticket to her free of charge to go with roomie (they get along just fine). She says she will probably be able to go. Roomie should be OK with me missing Halloween, because she has plenty other friends in Ch. Hill and I have talked about missing it before. Your thoughts?

Help?

I'm trying to install Google Analytics for my blog. I'm stuck on the first step. It gives me an HTML code to paste right before the body tag. I found this tag at the bottom of my HTML page and posted the code they gave me. It is still saying that tracking is not installed. Am I doing something wrong? Is there a secret to this madness?

Dining in the Dark

I really really want to go to a restaurant where you eat in complete darkness. I have read/heard about these types of restaurants so much lately. Since I am making a trip to Atlanta next week, I wanted to scope out the scene. Does anyone know if there is a restaurant like this in Atlanta?

I tried Google, but it wasn't very helpful. Apparently European countries are the only ones running with this idea.

Quarter-Life Crisis

I'm 21 and I have no idea who I am. This blog may sound whiny...but I have to write it, for my sanity.

When I dated Gary (for 5 years) I got used to my life, the every-day events, and basically thought I knew who I was. Or maybe I did know who I was then, but now I have changed? I'm not really sure. My whole life was centered around Gary. I think maybe I was no one because I let myself be absorbed by him (through no fault of his own). But now I'm at a point where I want, need, to be me. My only problem is, I don't know who I am or want to be.

I take that back. There are a ton of things I want to be, but don't see happening in reality. I want to be a person who doesn't judge others, who has time to volunteer, who can truly be happy for others even if it inconveniences me. I want to be a better person, and have been trying, admittedly half-assed, since Gary and I broke up.

Gah, this is so hard to put into words and make sense of it all.

Currently, I see myself as average. Maybe even a little less than average. I have no passions. Sure there are material things I love (fashion), but I have no true passion. No great love. In my spare time I read and watch TV, hang out with friends or whatever. For instance, I can associate one word to most of my friends that describes them (and their passion). For my friend Mimi - God. Sister - health. Gary - music. I could go on all day, but the point is, when I think of one thing that describes me I can't come up with a single thing.

I am stuck in my last year of college studying something I am neither interested or uninterested in, but don't have the resources to go back and re-do college. I am at a boring job, that at first taught me a lot, but now has formed a plateau and become repetitive.

I am frustrated with the fact that I thought I needed to get away from Gary to grow as a person, on my own. But it isn't happening. When am I going to have the drive and determination to become someone? To find a passion?

What brings this all on, you may ask? Well...my mom spoke to her friend last night who knows Dru and his family very well. As it turns out, Dru's family is amazing. They have endless amounts of money, all which they are willing to give away. They donate to many charities, take friends on lavish trips, and here is the clincher, allowed Natalee Holloway's family to use their personal jet numerous times to go to Aruba to search for her. According to my mom's friend, they are the most generous people. She said they are super nice and not one of the snobby-rich families. Dru's mom battled breast cancer and survived, does volunteer work, and is basically a great person.

So basically, I'm going down to visit Dru this weekend. I don't think I will be meeting his parents, but I will be with him and his brother all weekend. Here I am, currently feeling like I have nothing to offer, going to spend time with the Mother Teresa's of the south. I'm nervous I won't be able to live up to them, to impress them, or to be even close to being on par with them. I may be thinking too much about this, over analyzing it, but it is important to me so I can't stop obsessing.

I am shy around new people, and sometimes come off bitchy, so of course I'm worried about that. I really just want to be able to be myself around Dru, but I don't know who I am. I have become accustomed to being different people in different situations, so I have no idea who my true self is. I am always worried that my actions/reactions will not please others or I will not be viewed positively through others' eyes.

I welcome any advice with open arms, but I have to tell you truthfully...I don't know what will help? This seems like a problem for a licensed therapist, right? Hah.

So here is the end of my rant, and I actually feel good. I kind of feel like I have organized it into the most understandable, logic way possible. I'm sorry if this post isn't as upbeat as most of my others, but a cold rain came into town today and I'm thinking that has something to do with it.

Help Help Help

Ok, here it is. The proverbial blog-beginner message asking for help. Everyone does it (I think?) so I don't feel as ashamed. I have spent hours -at work, oops- trying to figure out how to make my blog look different from this cookie-cutter template Blogger provides. I'm not so pleased with the intense colors I have now, and I would like to add some images and fonts to my header. I want to create my own overall theme for the page. Any suggestions? Am I biting off more than I can chew?