Bitter Sweet Sunday

I cried today. A lot. For a man who I hardly know. An old headmaster of mine died this past week. I didn't even know he was sick. My sister used to babysit for him and his wife. They have the most beautiful children. I cried so much. I'm crying writing this. I don't know why. I haven't seen or even thought about this man in probably 6 years. He had testicular cancer that no one found until it had spread to his lungs. I hate cancer. I want it to go away and not hurt anymore wonderful people. I'm scared it will affect me. I'm scared I will loose someone I love. I hate death. It is permanent and takes so much away. That sounds stupid, but it is just so scary. The closest person to me to die was a good friend who commit suicide almost 3 years ago. That was hard. I miss her. I don't want to have to miss anyone else I love. 

His wife kept a blog throughout his journey (3 years). I read it today after I heard the news. It is pure, raw emotion. She discusses the emotional journey - even the worst parts. She expresses how angry she was at him for having cancer. And how angry the kids were at him for having cancer. She explained (without sparing any detail) how she felt at every step. I cried hardest when she described a moment between her son and husband. The son was angry at the father for being sick. The son was scared. She described how the father talked with the son and how the son cried so hard his body convulsed. The son is probably 10 years old. I was so sad. I haven't been this sad in a long time.

I knew him as a headmaster, and not much more. But through her blog I have learned what a magnificent person he was. I am relieved for his wife that the long struggle is over, but I am incredibly sad for the family as well. He was a man committed to making education a better institution and I am sad that he is gone. It surprises me how much I am moved by this particular event. Reading her words and how he responded to the cancer, makes me want to live life for every moment. 

I want to make my life great. 

I want to positively impact as many people as I can. 

I want to stop living this materialistic, shallow life. 

What can I do? How do I change my life?

I'll end this post with a positive...Navy Boy called today. We got to talk for 40 minutes and I could hear him much better because he used a different phone. He wants me to come visit! I want to visit. I'll have to work on the details for that. I'll keep you posted.

Live everyday like it is your last. Love anyone and everyone. I'm going to make a change and it feels great.

I Hate Thinking of Titles

On days like today when I just want to throw a bunch of random thoughts into a post, I can never think of a creative title. It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm too tired to create a coherent post, let alone a title...so I'm lazy and do ones like this. The tiredness? I don't know what to contribute it to...very few nights do I actually get a good nights sleep. More often than not, I lay awake thinking and thinking and thinking and am not sure if I ever really fall into a deep sleep. Last night was one of those nights.

I am leaving to go to the beach today (YAY!) so of course, last night I was all thinking about what to wear and pack and what all I need to get done today in order to leave tomorrow. Some things I wanted to do but will not have time: go shopping (for anything but mainly a new bathing suit), tan and workout. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I generally only have 1 hour to myself in between work and school. It is exhausting. Also, I have a big test today which I am unprepared for. Sigh.

But hey, I'm not going to let this day get me down. Promptly at 5:45 PM I will be in my car, with my best friend (Roommie), jammin to some dank ass music on my way to the beach for a weekend full of beautiful weather, boating, and of course probably a drink or two...or three...oh who is counting?!

I'm super excited for this weekend because I get to spend more time with my sister and her boyfriend (his name from here out will be The Dentist - because yeah, he is in dental school). You may or may not recall that Navy Boy is The Dentist's best friend (that is how we met). So I have been hanging out with Sis and The Dentist as much as I can because he reminds me of Navy Boy oh so much. The Dentist tells me stories about him and does impressions of him and I just love it! I also get to meet The Dentist's brother this weekend...which excites me because I love The Dentist so much that I bet his brother is equally as great. Sis and The Dentist have only been dating for 5 or so months, but I have already, repeatedly, told him that he must be a part of the family. He is great for Sis and a perfect fit into the family.

In a related topic, I expected to get a letter from Navy Boy yesterday because Roommie and I had calculated how long we thought it would take for my first letter to get to him, and then what day we thought they were allowed to send letters, and then how long it would take for his letter to get here. And all of those IF'S, I thought, pointed to me receiving a letter yesterday. But no. Now of course, we could have been off on our estimate of any of the above, so I'm waiting it out until today. If I don't get one today, I'm going to be nervous I have the wrong address, or he is some how not getting my letters. Ah! But no worries just yet...I'm going to wait this one out.

I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend! And thank you to those of you who were worried for my blog retreat...I honestly didn't mean to do it to pull you out of the wood works, I'm just really bad at pulling pranks and that was the best I could come up with!

OOOOOkklahoma....

I'm in the great state of Oklahoma and I couldn't be happier. I love being here with my family. It is my dad's side of the family, and they are just the sweetest people ever. My aunt and uncle are quite possibly the happiest people I know. They are still madly in love with each other and are both well into their 60's. I hope I marry someone who I still love that much for that long! My aunt is one of the nicest people I know, she is caring and never speaks a bad word about anyone. I wish I had more of her characteristics. She and my uncle both have an amazing outlook on life. I idolize them in many ways, they are caring people, involved in the community, still very much in touch with high school friends, giving, healthy and fun. 

I also got to meet my cousin's first born for the first time Sunday. He is ADORABLE!! He has the biggest eyes and the roundest head. My cousin, the father, had been in Iraq for most of his wife's pregnancy, which I'm sure was incredibly hard. He was able to come back for the birth, but had to go back to Iraq for a couple of weeks before he could come home for good. When he is not serving in the National Guard, my cousin is a police officer. I was lucky enough to go on a 'ride along' with him last night. His shift starts at 9:15 PM and doesn't end until 7 AM! I only stayed until 1 AM, though. We had one burglary, a wandering drunk guy, and pulled one person over. I guess cold Tuesday nights don't bring too much crime. It was really cool to see and I definitely will do it again next time I visit. Although, I hope I don't take his driving habits back with me (running red lights, speeding, etc)!

Spending time with my grandmother (who is 87, I think) has been the best part of the trip. I look up to my grandmother in so many ways. When she was young, she was the poster child for high society. She bought the best clothes, had the best manners and went to the best parties. She fell about 10 years ago, and has not been able to live the same life since, but she is still the most respectable person I know. My aunt took me to her house that she still owns but does not live in, and I got to look through all of her vintage clothes. AMAZING. I'm under the impression that I can have anything that I love and can fit into, but I'm not ready to take her things. It makes me feel like she has passed or something. I cannot say enough to justify the wonderful woman my grandmother is, and it kills me to see her unable to live like she used to (post to come soon on this topic).

Being here with my family makes me think of all of the great things that I could do in the future. The question, "What are you going to do in May?" has come up countless times, and each time my response inches closer and closer to finding a future here. Who knows...maybe I'll return to my roots after all. I need to do some investigating first.

Hope everyone is having a great week! I'll be back with more details from the trip soon!

The Bad Economy Affects Sarah Elizabeth...

I'll be graduating in May.

That's pretty much all that needs to be said. Ok, fine...I'll elaborate. There are no loans to be had to continue school and pretty much no one is hiring. These are the only two paths I see for myself come May. That or moving back in with my parents.

NOOOOO!!!!!

I have been lucky enough to be on my own with a LOT of help from my parents since I became a college student. But May is the cut-off. We haven't discussed specifics yet, but my parents have notified me that they will no longer pay my rent and utilities among other things once I graduate. The shitty economy couldn't have come at a worse time.

I was very fortunate as a child (well I still am) and always assumed when I graduated I would be able to live the same way. WRONG. I have credit card debt that I can't get my dad to help me with and an impending date by which I have to make a life decision. Ok, I realize I am being dramatic there, but I just can't fathom living with my parents again. I'm a total daddy's girl and love spending time with him. But my mom on the other hand is pretty much intolerable. She is a wonderful woman and has taught me so many things, but our personalities tend to clash and the more time we spend together the more she gets on my nerves. I honestly do love and appreciate her for everything she has done for me, but it just isn't as easy as it is with my dad. I envy girls who are best friends with their mom, but oh well.

The economy also sucks for me right now because of said credit card debt. I have a job, but it pays a measly $10/hour and I'm only working 12 hours/week due to school. How am I supposed to pay off the credit card debt I have dug myself into with this tiny pay check? Well I get it. Everyone is screaming....JUST STOP SPENDING. I guess that is where I run into a problem. I love to look good...this means taking care of my skin, body and fashion. How am I supposed to do that on a budget!? Ugh. Blah. Boo. Frick.

Will someone please tell the economy to check itself? Because it isn't listening to me.

Another Trip to See Dru!

I've been gone for a while, and I apologize. But here is what happened to me while I was away...

Thursday was my Mom's birthday. We spent the day in the car driving 6.5 hours down to Atlanta. I have never been outside of the airport in Atlanta, and I loved being able to see downtown. We didn't really explore the city, but driving to the hotel I was able to see the basics. Our hotel was right next to the airport and we had a room that faced the runways. As boring as it sounds, it was really cool to watch planes take off and land! Mom and I spent the first night in the concierge lounge and hotel bar. It was good to have some time for just me and her, seeing as our relationship isn't the closest in the family.

Friday my mom was busy doing work things so I slept in, went for breakfast and a workout. I helped her with her work a little then got ready to go to dinner with her and Dru. We went to dinner at the Atlanta Fish Market in Buckhead. It was DELICIOUS! Of course the fish was fresh, and the rest of the food was to die for too. I was so nervous for the three of us to have dinner together because the only time my mom has met Dru was at the wedding that I met him. She didn't really get to talk with him at the wedding, so I considered this to be the first real meeting. I don't know what I was worried about, but I guess I like Dru so much now that I didn't want anything to go wrong. Dinner went great, Mom loved Dru and Dru loved Mom.

Dru and I then rode back to Birmingham and met his brother and some friends out. We had a great night and I drank entirely too much. There was a lot of dancing and I'm willing to bet it wasn't pretty. Dru always tells me he is falling in love with me when he is drunk, so I always respond with, "Tell me that when you aren't drunk." So this weekend when I said that he goes, "OK I'll tell you first thing in the morning."

He didn't.

But that is OK. I didn't expect him to actually do it.

Saturday we laid around, watched football, then went to a friend's house. I wasn't feeling good at all that day so I may have come off as a bitch at the friend's house. I feel bad about not being friendly, but I literally felt like something besides words were going to come out of my mouth every time I opened it. It wasn't a whole lot of fun, but I just enjoyed being with Dru. We went to bed early that night, in anticipation of skydiving the next morning.

Sunday morning we get up early, are dressed, ready and 20 minutes out of town when I notice it is kind of cloudy. Dru suggests we call and see if they still jump in the clouds.

They don't.

So we couldn't go! I was so upset, because skydiving is something I have wanted to do forever, but there is nothing we could do. Dru was really mad as well. I guess we will just be rescheduling...
I was nervous with all of this free time Dru would take me to meet his parents. I want to meet them, but I was in jeans and a t-shirt with wet hair. This is not the first impression I was hoping to make. Thankfully, we didn't wind up doing that, instead we went to the zoo. It was so much fun. I love going to the zoo and it was great to just spend time with Dru. He is so sweet. I didn't use my debit card all weekend, and I'm pretty sure I didn't open a single door for myself either.

Finally it was time to go. I really didn't want to leave, but with school, work and all of my other responsibilities back home I really didn't have a choice. Dru wanted to take me to his favorite Brazilian restaurant in Atlanta, so we left Birmingham early. As it turns out, we didn't leave early enough. We hit some traffic so we didn't have enough time to go eat at the Brazilian restaurant. He wound up coming in the airport with me and eating at a restaurant there. Over dinner he questioned me about what I plan to do when I graduate in 6 MONTHS! AHH! I have no idea, and I told him this. There are tons of things I want to do, but don't have the means to do. My realistic options aren't exciting and I don't want to stick to a path that most people travel.

Then the surprise came. Dru said, "Why don't you move down to Birmingham and get your MBA at UAB?" I was totally taken back by this just because we haven't really known each other that long. I was so surprised I just responded with, "I don't have any friends in Birmingham." We kind of passed over the topic lightly, but I am so happy he mentioned it. I feel now like he really does have feelings for me, and to tell you the truth it kind of got my hopes up. I would LOVE to move to Birmingham and be able to see him each day. But isn't it too early for me to be thinking like that?! I have no idea.

We said our goodbyes, and it seemed like he really didn't want me to leave as much as I didn't want to leave. But I did, and I'm back to boring reality. He didn't call last night which surprises me because we had such a good weekend together, but I'm not letting it get to me. Hopefully he will call tonight.

I want to just let go of all of my fears and let myself like him as much as I think I do, but I'm nervous I'm going to screw it up or something. I would write more, but I need to organize my thoughts before I do so. What do y'all think of all of this?

Enough of that for now, it's almost 5 o'clock and time for me to go home! I hope everyone had a GREAT weekend!

Weekend Update

Well...my weekend was relaxing I guess. This was the first weekend of the summer I didn't have a thing planned. I sat around the pool, worked-out and went out. I did some babysitting to fuel my next trip to the west coast and I helped my sister move out of her apartment.

Going out with my sister and her friends is always fun. Some creepy dude tried to follow us to the car, but finally got the hint when a friend said, "WE ARE NOT TAKING YOU TO YOUR HOUSE OR OURS. GET ANOTHER RIDE." I mean, really people? Really? Some kids are just too weird.

Gary came to town this weekend with his new girl. As a result, none of my normal friends would hang out with me because they are shoved so far up his ass, they haven't seen daylight in 10 years. Harsh? Yeah, well to explain my anger more: when I found this out I went on a work-out rampage and didn't stop for 2 1/2 hours. Good for my body - yes. Good for my mind - no.

Ed was really sweet about it though, I told him what the deal was and he responded with, "Well I would hang out with you if I was there. I'm not obsessed with s-ing his d (I don't want to type that out, it seems too vulgar for this blog) like everyone else."

My response: "Thanks! That's good to hear." Hah.

Yeah so me and Ed had some good conversations this weekend. And as a result, I deem this weekend pretty successful.

I ran today after taking 1 day off. I did a route with a giant hill. Almost died. Definitely going to be limiting that route to twice a week...it will not become an everyday thing for quite sometime. But I know it was good for me. Tomorrow I plan on lengthening the run just a bit.

Dilemma #1

I have two dilemmas. I think I only have time to post one today though because I get off of work in 30. Hmm...which one should I choose?

OK I'll go with the sister problem.

I have a sister. Haley, for blogsake, is two years my senior (has graduated college obvi) and is working on her PhD in physical therapy.

You think to yourself, "Wow. Smart." Right?

Wrong.

She is book smart and all that and has normal common sense I guess, but she has one MAJOR flaw that bugs me soooo bad.

She lies.

I'm not talking she tells me she thinks a shirt looks good when it really doesn't. I'm talking she lies for NO REASON. If she wanted me to think it was a beautiful day in the city she lives in, despite the fact they actually had hail storms, she would lie about it. For example, when we were doing zip lines down a mountain in MEXICO (read:no potential guys for miles - only Mexican tour guides) she was bragging about how she did the New York Marathon.

Hold up. Wait a minute. Put a little lie in it.

She has not done the NYM, let alone a marathon, let alone a half marathon! WHAT!?! WHAT!?! WHY!?! Why on earth would she tell a Mexican tour guide (who was not attractive at all) that she had done this? What was she going to benefit from it?

Ok, don't think that is that weird? Try this one on for size:

When we were in high school (yes, she has been doing this for YEARS) I couldn't find a bathing suit I had recently bought. This bathing suit was banging. I mean it made me look good except for one part...it had this silly little fake bow sewed onto the front in between the boobs. I cut that shit off right when I brought it home. Cut to a few weeks later when I am searching for it. Hmm...maybe Haley borrowed it and just forgot to ask. I search Haley's room and find it. She happens to come in when I am taking it out of the drawer and is all, "Are you stealing my bathing suit?" Me: "What? No! This is mine, I thought you just borrowed it."

After arguing over the bathing suit for sometime we finally take matters downstairs to the problem solver - Mom. The whole time I knew she was lying, but I just couldn't figure out how to prove it. AH HAH! The bow! I explained the cutting off of the bow and all and finally won the situation. Haley looked stupid for lying and everyone knew she had.

So the past is the past right? Nope. Not for Haley. She continues to lie. About everything from stories she makes up about going out to important stuff. I really want to have a good relationship with my sister and be great friends because we are so close in age and live so close. But I get so annoyed with her and her antics that I can hardly stand to be around her. And 90% of the time I suspect she is lying. Should I confront her? If so, how? When? Ahhhhh. This sucks. Why hasn't she learned by now?